You seem to have this for your husband,but in order for him to help you he has to first accept himself. Mine ended up in a psychiatric unit for 2 months before he could tell me. It will take a lot of work,but I hold on to the fact that while we won't be lovers we will remain friends. Counseling in whatever form is a good first step forward and I would encourage you to go. Write a list of your concerns and give them to the counselor so they can address your issues.
Sometimes my mind would go blank or I would forget what I needed to say and you can get caught up with just seeking help for your husband. You matter too! Keep us posted on your progress. As odd as this feels,the more you talk to others you will find it is not such an unusual situation to be in. I am not a loving and supportive wife. I swing between crying for my lost life, we were going to grow old etc. He now refuses to go out with friends, so that I know he is being faithful. I am not concerned about him being faithful, as he is not attracted to women, or primarily attracted to men atm.
That he says he has no self control in that situation, says so much. But after these talks he clams up so tightly. I am going to try counselling, but we have so much to work through. I wish he could see himself as a single man, who can follow his heart and find his true self and love freely. I have just started working after 18yrs,which has been a steep learning curve. But it has shown me I can do things independently of my husband. He has been diagnosed with lung cancer-talk about life running away on you! My new employer understands and have been quite helpful. You may be surprised at who can help in dark ,difficult situations.
I was! I guess,what I am trying to say is:life can throw so many unexpected things at us. Try and surround yourself with people who are able to help and support you. Some may not-ignore and move on. I understand the small town mentality. Go and confide in your GP. What you say is confidential and if need be explain to them that you don't want "everyone"to know your business. Just a few suggestions to let you know you have not been forgotten: I can offer no solutions, everyone's different. But I do wish you well and can be the "silent"friend if you need to vent.
I feel desperately sad for your situation, its horrible for everyone. I think same sex attraction is so complex. I am the other side of your situation, i have just outed myself to my husband and after some time to reflect he has begged us not to separate. This is painful for both of us and i hate being the cause of his pain that he has no fault in. I can appreciate how betrayed you feel and how the life you had planned isnt going to happen now. I think that regardless, you should have your own counselling because this is about your feelings, and only yours and how you now move forward, Your husband, whilst he may be struggling, at the end of the day, his nature is his nature.
I hope in time you blossum. This situation is so complex. I have come to the realisation that half life is not going to work for either of us. In the end our true self is who we should be honest to. He hides his true self, when there is no need to. You are so strong to be honest. You still share so much love, but not the love that a marriage needs. Hi Tired of Being, thanks for your reply. As far as our situation goes i think we have turned a corner today. I misunderstood his time in processing the situation for denial which meant i was becoming worried that he hadnt quite understood what i was saying and that this would be swept under the carpet and we'd be back to square 1.
In reality he just needed time. We had a really nice talk today about wanting eachother to be happy, the dating scene dread and also how we are going to deal with family, friends and the community we live and work in. Im prepared to take whatever happens and dont really care what people think but i do worry that my family have to deal with gossip. We live in a suburb which isnt very diverse and have been very involved in the community through schools and sports. Something lovely he said when i told him it wasnt his fault and I'm so sorry is that it wasnt mine either.
He didn't have to say that but it was very appreciated. I hope you both find a way forward- he probably has a lot of guilt which is tied up in self loathing, love for his family and lets face it - mess. It will work out for you all in time but i would suggest you contact women partners of bisexual men service. They work from Leichardt Womens and have a website. I noted you live in a small country town. They are a specialist service and they will help.
I think you have shown incredible strength at a time when you could have been really horrible to your husband. Looking at some other posts in this section some couples have been very damaged by this. The way you have handled this tells me you are an amazing mum, partner and person. I hope it all works out. Please be kind to yourself. I know every time I would blow out the candles on my birthday, Id only wish for one thing, to not be gay.
For me, it caused a lot of self hate. Support is here. I really get what is happening! Not only has he come out after 32yrs, but has also been diagnosed with lung cancer! I do wish you well and hope things are progressing. Remember, it is not the event, but how we deal with it that matters. I was also wondering how Tired is going and also you too Ruby - sounds like life isn't so great for you? Glad these forums are here for us all, whatever our situation. Life has certainly thrown us all a curve ball.
It is good to have these forums,to see other people's views and how they cope. We can all help each other in some way. I am glad you feel you and your husband have reached a turning point. We are finding that talking and then talking some more has helped. If you can't say it now,when. Life can never be certain, but we can try to live it with integrity. Being honest with each other has brought me a lot of clarity.
I have to stay and support my husband through his illness, because I do still care for him. It is like we have gone back to how we started-mates,flatmates,just a lot older. I have dealt with my disappointment etc. I cannot picture us not keeping not caring about each other. But I also have to be pragmatic and have been socializing and living my own way,instead of being tied to the wishes and expectations of a spouse. Hang in there, life will get better-you have taken the first step by allowing yourself to be you.
Keep going. We are muddling along and its ok. Kind of. Like you, not where i thought I'd be at 51 but I knew my same sex attraction would surface somewhere. Even though I'm on the other side i do feel for you both as women because we are so used to being the heartbeat of the family and being responsible for most of the day to say decision making, to then be faced with a situation which is so out of our control is heartbreaking.
I hope you and your husbands health improve and that in time all of you can remain friends despite what has happened. Your husband must be in a bit of disbelief of where his life is at, and he must be scared about his diagnosis. The treatment process will be long and drawn out. I hope that he responds well. He probably needs a few different sorts of professionals to help him get through the physical illness and the psychological impact. It really comes across in your posts how determined you are to not give up on connection and moving forward with your own life.
They will create an internal narrative for themselves, which sometimes borders on delusion to resist change, avoid loss and not take any risks. You certainly do not come across like that.
There is so much pressure on women to be the care-giver of everyone. Your husband will have a lot of regret in is heart for having lived an incomplete life for so long and then to be thrown this diagnoses…. I appreciate your insights as the gay spouses-but why label. We all hurt whether straight or gay but we all seem to still have kind of love for them. We all know who we are and our capabilities-takes a crisis to discover, but we find ourselves eventually.
Thank you both for your words of hope and encouragement. I do wish the same for everyone here. We think it's just us but a real eye opener to discover this situation is more common than we think. Support here has been a life saver for me. Hubby has started treatment,so far all good. Kids have been helping, which has been great to see they still support him no matter the circumstances. Must have done something right in raising them lol. Great to hear the 'other'perspective. Thanks for your concern and input.
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I bear no malice,just want everyone to be their true selves. Life is hard and sometimes short. If friendship and love can prevail,then why can't we. Good luck with moving on Esti-you do deserve to be you and to Def-how eloquently you expressed my situation and I do appreciate your support.
Although sometimes I don't feel as strong as you paint me. Just touching base. Hope things are looking up for you. Did you go to counseling? Seek some for yourself if anything. Good to hear that your husband has commenced treatment. Just when he's recovering from a breakdown he's now having to find the mental strength to get through his diagnosis. That must be so taxing on him.
But his secret was clearly making him sick, and it's taken a big toll on his body. Your head must be spinning a bit. You must be in a bit of disbelief as to the path your life has taken. But I think what's great is that you haven't given up on life. And neither has your husband. You haven't resigned. You said that this situation is 'common', and I agree.
But I think it is much more common to continue hiding it, burying it, and conforming.
People do not want to lose their secure base. Some of the gay men I have met in this situation, I feel, confuse love with gratitude. They've said "but I love my wife so much, maybe I can just remain living like this" She's provided safety, security, a shield from judgement and a nurturing place where you don't have to be an outsider and a part of an minority group. You get to meld in, while you fortify yourself behind her, and experience all the benefits of social acceptance.
Sounds pretty snug and cosy to me. But the reality is Ruby you deserve more than this. If you're with someone romantically, you deserve to know that they reciprocate all of those deep feelings, attraction and desire in its totality. Not just the stuff of family and comfort, while your partners mind is wandering off fantasising about the same sex.
Grief and loss are some of the hardest emotions anyone has to face in a lifetime. Some do it better than others. But I reckon you guys will be Ok, and acceptance will come in time. I agree that our situations are very common, more than people realise and being on these forums are a great sense of support for us all. Hi again. After my first post, being supportive, optimistic and friends.
I kept thinking, he is bi, ok we can work with this, maybe we can un marry civil or just see what happens. I'm really thinking I just misunderstood He is so fortunate, like I am, to have a wonderful woman in his life. I tell you to run and get away, but I stay for my children. Submitted by Ken on November 5, - am. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Gay men go through the same issues, with their sexuality and identity.
Things have turned into a horror movie. After my posts Then he spent about 3 months moving in and out of my bed. A night alone and then back to my bed. This totally screwed with my head Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Other editions. Enlarge cover. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page.
Alexander P. Morgan With. Jennifer can't believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn't deny it, but he insists it's just "a thing" and he isn't gay. Elsewhere, John's wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn't understand his wife's reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he' Jennifer can't believe it. Why does she care what he watches if he's not unfaithful? In couple's therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same questions: Does this mean my husband is gay?
Can my marriage survive? These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are "coming out.
Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and "straight men with gay interests" clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.
Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples and their therapists have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and in many cases offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed. Get A Copy. Hardcover , pages. More Details Other Editions 4.
Love and Sex in the Digital Age. My longtime friend and colleague Dr. Joe Kort has been treating and writing about gender and sexual orientation issues for nearly three decades. I am pleased that Joe has written this book, as I have had to deal with these questions in my own practice relatively often, as have many other therapists. I recently spoke with Joe about the book, and I wanted to share a few of his thoughts below. There are two main reasons.
Number one is the high incidence of male-female couples entering my office because the woman thinks her man might be gay. Am I gay? There are some basic questions that I ask. These are covered in detail in the book. Most gay or bisexual men will say yes.
Straight men will say no. They almost never report youthful noticing. Another thing that I look for is homophobia. I threaten their sense of denial. The straight guys are not like that.
The final thing that I ask about is romance. Who does the man want to go to dinner and a show with, who does he want to spend the holidays with, who does he want to wake up next to in the morning? A gay guy wants to do all of that with a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be with a woman in that way. The Internet is doing it. Usually, the wife discovers his history on the computer.
Craigslist is where they go. What are the psychological underpinnings for this behavior? It does differ. For straight men, the most common reason is sexual abuse. I call this returning to the scene of the sexual crime. What exactly are you doing? The second reason is kink. They might be into BDSM or they might be into power exchange, and they think they can only find that with a man. Or they might be into cuckolding, where two men and a woman are engaged in sexual play but one man is submissive and the other guy is dominant and the submissive guy gets the dominant guy hard.
But the gay man cares. This can be tough for the woman to understand because male and female sexuality is so different. Another factor is father hunger. So they find a guy who will take care of that for them. And then they ask me if this makes them gay. So I try to help them understand that this is about sexual abuse, or father hunger, or kink, or some other unexpressed need.
Sometimes the relationship actually gets stronger over time as the partners develop compassion and understanding for one another.
My Husband Hid His Past Orgies and Gay Sex Before We Got Married
If the man is gay, the relationship has less of a chance of survival. About a third of these mixed-orientation marriages end in divorce right away. In another third, the couple stays together for two years and then divorces. And in the final third, half stay together long-term and half still end in divorce. The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to express that sexually and romantically.
However, more and more of these couples are deciding to stay together, mostly after the age of In might depend on how bi he really is.
Some guys are mostly heterosexual, and the marriage has a better chance in those cases. That might last for two months or two years, and then it may recede, but this typically causes all kinds of problems in the marriage. I always advise the women to not need all the details of what their man has done. I also want them to know that the marriage can survive. These are his issues, not hers, even though they can and usually do affect her and her relationship rather profoundly.
I've seen that reported on recovery forums. For some guys, it's just one more porn-induced fetish that fades after they quit porn. Maybe it would be good if therapists informed clients of that option as standard practice, just so they know it works for some guys who want to return to the sexual tastes they had earlier in their lives.
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I am Interested Person that is my user name on this site and I did not write the above quoted comment and do not even know what it means! This quoted comment is not made by me. A man having homosexual sex is just too complicated for me. Live out your fantasies and resolve your issues before you come knocking on my door. So give me a gambler, alcoholic or drug addict too. After all they have unresolved issues and I am a doormat for their recovery. Their article is morally reprehensible.
Shame on Phychology Today for printing such a piece of trash and using my name in the comments section. I'm a straight man but I found this article interesting. I have no homophobia and I have several male friends who are gay, but I have zero interest in them other as good friends for shared interests and sense humor. Everything in the article sounds right on target. I've heard it before, but one thing really puzzles me and very much surprised me the first time I heard about it, namely:. And the theory is that men who do that are not gay. OK, I accept that judgement coming from an experienced expert.
But I personally cannot understand it -- not even remotely. It's part of the whole fantasy and sexual energy at the most basic level. To say that one doesn't see the person you're having sex with -- well, that just doesn't work as an explanation for me! By that reasoning these same men shouldn't mind if it's their grandmother or grandfather, right?
I just have such a hard time understanding this one aspect of male sexual behavior that is not considered gay. I feel ya to me it's gay. I dont care what anyone say. You forgot children or animals after grandmother or grandfather. What kind of genes do we want in this world because we are the pickers of our evolution woman, theres a reason we think the way we do, we are suppose to evaluate its in our make-up, you wouldnt consiously pick charlie mansons sperm from a sperm bank, would you?
Stop letting these men use you for breeding cuz thats what you are to them its brutel. Pick men with love and compassion for all lifes diversity and lets have lots of babies with those MEN. So, dudes who let other dudes put their ding-dongs in their mouths and rectums "Rectum? Sorry, but the PhD is right. And I've heard this many other places too. I don't understand it myself. I have to assume some men are more focused on just the release and really don't care so much about the gender.
Kind of like you don't mind that when you masturbate, it's a man's hand that's on your "ding-dong". Or does that thought make you all sweaty and uptight? Alex is so silly. Most men enjoy a weenie in the bum-bum every now and then. All of my husbands certainly have, and that doesn't make any of them gay. Alex is obviously very insecure. A true heterosexual male doesn't have to sleep with women just to prove something to himself. My husbands have certainly never slept with me, but that's because they're so secure in their manhood.
They know they can go to bathhouses every night and blow hundreds of other males, and it doesn't make them gay. It's all those men who sleep with women I worry about. If a man sleeps exclusively with women, he can't be straight, and must be compensating for something. I could be convinced that some guys don't care about the gender when receiving oral sex. But the article says some straight guys GIVE oral sex to another dude because it's just about the sex. I have a tough time swallowing that one. The author should have provided an explanation or psychological analysis of how that could be the case.
Less than 36 hours ago I discovered that my husband has been hooking up with other men for BJ's for the past few years via Craig's List I have been an emotional wreck and my husband whom you would never guess would be into this is even worse off He says he is so disgusted with himself for what he's done to me but only after seeing how upset I was. He keeps trying to tell me he's not gay, and possibly not even bi, but the nature and frequencies of the emails responses and banters had me doubting that. I don't want him to be ashamed and have to live a lie, but your article has made me think that maybe he is telling me the truth That it is just the raw nature of easy, free, meaningless, anonomus blow jobs.
I'm buying your book now as even just by the interview I've been able to confirm all that you have said and now have hope that be really does want to be with me. Thank you so much for giving me hope I am finally able to stop crying and focus on the possibility that not all is lost. Were there any warning signs? Anything stand out to you, that was a red flag? Did your husband still have sex with you? Did he avoid sex with you? Was he passionate or robotic?
Did he have a blank stare during Sex or was he mentally there? Did he make constant excuses to avoid intimacy? Was he eager to please you or was he just doing it to shut you up? Please help me understand. I have been a sexless marriage for a while and need solid red flags. Someone in the closet and has the public's eyes watching, hides things very well. I need answers and don't get any from my husband. My needs are not met and just want he and myself to live a truthful life and be truly happy. Even if it means we don't stay together.
I would keep his secret safe with me, but my gut is telling me to run. People need love and affection, not lies and deception. I'm married to a gay man. We have sex about every 59 days.. I count. If the sex is always one sided and he is simply robotic and his one focus is to get off while having no concern for your needs chances are he's gay. I tell you to run and get away, but I stay for my children. If you're childless get away.
You will never be happy with a gay man. Physical intimacy is as important as shelter, warmth and food. I really hope you get a chance to see this. I've been where you are- very recently. The details differ, but I would imagine the feelings are about the same. I felt for you so much when you said you can finally stop crying.
I went through that. I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying.
She Loves Her Husband But Worries She's Gay
Thank goodness, I am in a much better place now and I feel good about my marriage again. I hope you do also. Would you like to talk further? I just found a post you have written online regarding your husband and sexual relations that's he's had with other men.
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